INTER-DEPENDENCE, CO-DEPENDENCE and INDEPENDENCE

The critical difference between INTER-DEPENDENCE, CO-DEPENDENCE and INDEPENDENCE!

There are a lot of people who are unwittingly sabotaging their future relationship effort by the misunderstanding of very different terms and ideas when it comes to relationships. First.. Lets briefly define these terms.

Co-Dependent - Neither the man or the woman can do anything apart from each other. With the lack of support or motivation both of them will likely fail at achieving their individual aims that benefit the relationship. Its like being tied at the hip or by a rope. if one falls both fall. If one is late then both are late. If one is unsure then both are unsure.

Independent - This is where the person stays single or if they seek a relationship they assert that they don't need anybody which is the unhealthy extreme opposite co-dependency. This person sometimes seeks to cut even healthy ties, reliance and dependence to demonstrate that they are able to operate on their own. The fierce need to show their mate that they can survive without them often ends in the mate giving them what it seems like they want.

Inter-Dependent - Is a state where both partners are able to independently operate but are motivated by agreement and not need or desperation. They come together to do what is best for their relationship. They LIKE to be with their partner and prefer their company but are not emotionally crippled if it is not available as with co-dependence. This is the mature balance between co-dependency and independence.

Co-dependency and independence will likely cause you much headache with very little reward. Seek to find a reliable partner that you can depend on and work also to be a support for them while maintaining your own identity and carrying your weight in the relationship.


Reprinted from Relationship Matters  https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsMattersByEngJack?hc_location=stream

Coach Rick Kolster is an executive coach and thought leader who works with business owners and executives to help them maximize their efforts, gain life balance and learn how they can be the best leader they can be.

Walking in Your Faith at Work

Walking in Your Faith at work

Taboo subjects in the office include politics, sex, money and of course religion or faith. How have we come to this? Over the years faith has become such a touchy subject that we refuse to even acknowledge it in the workplace. 

One of the toughest things I have to do every day is to live my life as a man of faith and walk my “talk” and show my beliefs in my actions daily. You see, I AM a man of faith, I DO believe in Christ and God. Part of this belief is a profession of this faith in all I do.  The disciples that speaking of thier faith out loud and publicly was very unpopular and even got all but one killed for the profession.  WHOA!  Killed? I’m not quite ready for that.  I mean I’ll believe but I really want to keep living my life.  

As a believer I understand that my Lord gave his life for me, so that I may live with Him forever. Does this mean I have to die too?   NO  but what it does mean is that I have to live my life in such a way that I represent my faith in a light that will make other want to know more about my God. That is what got the early church started. The disciples lived their lives in such a way that others wanted to know what was going on and how could they get the peace and strength they had for themselves.

As a professional speaker and executive coach I interact with many people each week. IN fact I sometimes get to talk to hundreds of people at a time. What a platform to change others and share a message of God’s might and love.  Now if you have seen me speak you know I am a business and inspirational type speaker.  I look for the good in life and help inspire others to do what it takes to live a great life.  www.coachrickkolster.com   It is a rare occasion that I quote scripture or even reference God in my speeches. However I do ask God to make my words strong and my message heard. By that I know my words are touching lives for Him.  But one of the most joyful moments I have had in my speaking career has been the couple of times that after stepping off the stage from giving a speech I was approached by someone who said, “Loved you talk, I can tell you are a man of faith”.  Walk the walk and Talk the talk.

Through just the way I carried myself on stage, they could tell who I was to my core.  That I had faith and belief in a higher power than myself and would go on bent knee before the king. Just by the way I acted.   Is this something others can say about you?  In the workplace what can you do to show that you are a Christian? That you love God and know that He loves you. What actions can you take that will show that?

So why is it such a taboo?  Why do we shy away from talking about our faith?  Because we have been beat down by the world as a whole.  We are afraid of “hurting” someone’s feelings of making them uncomfortable.  It is the wussification of our world. The political correctness has gotten out of hand. If I believe something different than you, I must be wrong and if it involves one of the four taboo subjects,  I must be a radical!  SERIOUSLY???  Have we become so bland and milquetoast that we are afraid to take a stand?   Can’t talk about Gods, might hurt little Timmy’s feeling or confuse him into needing some kind of meds.  We have taken a Christian God out of our schools and government and anything but our church and even then we have watered Him down. 

God is God. He loves us more than we love us.   He care so much about us that He gave His son for us.  Why is this scary to so many?

 Because we are wimps!  I say take a stand.  I could care less what you stand for, but please stand for something. The disciples stood for what they believed knowing full well it was probably a death sentence and still they stood their ground for what they believed to be right.  This is where we  need to get to. A place where we stand for what is right and good.

The one thing I know without a doubt is this… God is Good! Share that message wherever you go. I dare ya!

Coach Rick Kolster is an executive coach and thought leader who works with business owners and executives to help them maximize their efforts, gain life balance and learn how they can be the best leader they can be.

Attitude the difference maker

Attitude… 

One key word that can make all the difference in how you live your life.  For years I have known that my attitude determines how I act.  But let’s take a look at how and where our attitudes are developed.  Attitudes have been said to be developed at a very young age.  In fact research has shown that most of our attitudes (up to 95%) are developed before the age of 5.  WOW!! 5 years old and we have most of our core attitudes and beliefs set.

Now what are attitudes?  I define attitudes as the way we think, or “habits of thought”.  What we think about is the way we will act or our personality.  Ask yourself, have you ever met someone with a poor or terrible attitude and a GREAT personality? Probably not.  If a person has a great attitude the likely hood is that they will have a great personality and they are someone you want to be around.  Conversely when someone has mostly negative thoughts their outward “personality” is probably negative as well.  Personality is that outer expression of our inner attitudes. What I’m basically trying to say is that there is a direct link between the way we think and the way we behave. Can you accept that link?

So how do we achieve all we can?   By changing the inner thoughts of our mind!  William James who is recognized as the Father of American Psychology once said “  "The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."

The end result of all this is: If you want to use more of your potential and resources more creatively and profitably, you've got to begin by developing the attitudes that affect that kind of behavior.

Think about this… most of our basic attitudes are more negative than they are positive. People tend to think more often about what’s going to go wrong or how they are going to fail, than what is right and what their potential is for success.  Do ya think?   So now how do we achieve more and use more of our potential?  We do it by changing our thought patterns.  Zig Zigler says “you have to change that stinkin’ thinkin’.”  Put more positive in and you will get more positive out!

The term GIGO is one used in the computer industry.  It means: garbage in-garbage out.  You get out what goes in.  Start today to put more positive in your mind.  Turn off the TV, Radio, put down the newspaper, close the chapter on gossip.  Now try this:

Listen or read 15 -30 minutes each day of a positive message.  In your car, at home, at work where ever you may be.  Start today to make what you think about is posistve all the time.  This will help to prevent those negative thoughts and can’t of your life that invade our brains every day.

Make today a positive day, put in that CD, read that positive book, look for an inspirational message and see how this can change your life.  I wish all the best in your journey to live a better more fulfilled life both personally and professionally.  

Dear Event Planner, I Hate You. Sincerely, Your Speaker.

Dear Event Planner, I Hate You. Sincerely, Your Speaker.

Tips to Help you make your event a winner!  Collaboration, communication and  cooperation are the keys to getting maximum results from a speaker.

STRATEGIES TO BRIDGE THE GAP - Leading Millennials

Part two of a two part series.

Some of the effects of baby boomers having children later in life is the RAH RAH factor.

Millennials expect and need lots of praise because their Baby Boomer parents have been the biggest cheerleaders.  They are likely to mistake silence for disapproval and can easily become discouraged without verbal “strokes”.  Managers should make a special effort to tell Millennials what they are doing right; this doesn’t mean they need to be lenient on Millennnials but lots of feedback, positive and negative, is needed.

Expectations:

•          Millennials have expectations that the information they want will be provided in a timely, fast efficient manner. 

•          Feedback is important to Millennials and the more timely the better.  The use of technology will enable employers to measure employee performance, enable them to see how they compare with the others in the group, and Millennials will expect to know how they are doing instantaneously.

•          Communication, suggestions, feedback positive and negative needs to travel in both directions for Millennials.

How do you work with them?

•          Because they have grown up in a different world, it is critical to never assume that they understand even the most basic and common business “rules”  like:

–        You don’t want to talk to their mother when they are having problems.

–        You don’t get points for showing up or an A for effort.

–        The definition of plagiarism and cheating. “It depends what the definition is, is.“

–        They can’t use IM language in emails or reports.

–        It’s not okay to email the boss 10 times a day.

–        That when they email you at 3am, you’re not sitting on the other end waiting to respond to them.

–        The business office (and most others) closes at 5pm.

 Challenges faced when hiring and working with Milennials:

•          The level of technology in most companies. They expect the have the newest and latest gadgets. (phone, computer, tablet, etc.)

The lack of flexibility within most companies in regards to work environment.  “The day starts at 8 and ends at 5.” Historically this has been “The way it is” in the workplace and the baby boomer leaders must work to do creative things (telecommuting, split shifts, shared jobs, etc.) to keep them. When I say keep them it refers to both keep them at the company and keep them engaged a while at work. Most have seen and experienced little loyalty to a job. (look at today’s athletes hopping teams for more money).  The attention span is short and multi-tasking is the norm. (I don’t believe we can multi-task but ’ll address that in another venue)

Today’s new employee must be made to feel like they are doing “important” work and it will be a challenge for them.  They need to stretch and grow continually.  They have been taught to “get to the next level” (video games).  Training will be the biggest challenge that companies face. Can the company keep up with ongoing growth and training for their employees.

So the best way to lead and manage the new generation…
Learn how to communicate with them, understand they want to work but need to be shown how to work.  Mentoring works well as does coaching.  They understand the concept of a coach. We see too many young people coming into the workplace having always “won a trophy” for participation and not experienced loss or consequences of mistakes.  Let them make mistakes, it is how they will grow and mature. Its how the baby boomers learned, how their parents learned and their parents and…

 

Coach Rick Kolster is an executive coach who works with business owners and executives to help them maximize their efforts, gain life balance and learn how they can be the best leader they can be.

Rick@CoachRickkolster.com

www.CoachrickKolster.com
www.facebook.com/coachricksBALDTRUTH

 

 

 

BRIDGING THE GAP - Booomers to Millennials

Bridging The Gap:  Boomers to Millennials

We are going to look at the differences between generations and show what have been some of the major events that have impacted and shaped the way the millennial generation lives. Let’s view this from some distinct perspectives.

·         Societal Norms

·         Political Events

First it is important o know how we define the generations. As of today there are four generations that are still or are potentially still in the workforce as of today.  They are:

•          The Veterans (the Silent Generation or the Greatest Generation) 1922–1943

•          The Baby Boomers 1943–1964 (the largest generation) 84 million

•          The Gen Xers 1965–1982  (Lost generation, Half the size of baby boom)

•          Millennials/Echo Boom 1982-2002 (peak 1990 almost as large as the baby boom) 81 million

The largest part of the workforce today is the baby boomers, however they are steadily decreasing in numbers and being replaced by the Gen X/and Millennials. With the changing work force and workplace make up there comes a plethora of challenges. Communication style and methods, work ethic, life priorities, etc.  Some of the issues are the way that we connect as well as our expectations of the younger generation.

Generation Y -  follow Gen X  and are also known as the Net Generation - internet, cell/smart phones, computers, infinitely comfortable with technology. They are a part of the rebound or echo boom with baby boomers having more children that Gen Xers. There is an Echo Boom  “population momentum” happening as we speak.

So the question is how did this generation come to be? These so called Millennials.

First, the Baby Boomers started having a “bounty” of babies! Boomers chose to become older parents in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Then the next generation made a choice to look back at the “good old days” and chose to revert back to the earlier birth-age norm for women.

The baby boom is attributed to economic and military crises that caused GI’s to delay having their babies, whereas a cultural upheaval caused the Boomers to delay having their (Millennial) babies.

The ‘echo boom’ can be compared to the original baby boom in that most generations were having babies at what historically has been a typical age range. The shift came from the baby boomers being influenced by social changes, “free love, integration, Vietnam war, Peace movement and political activism in the late 50’s  and 60’s.  Basically they were allowed to speak more freely act more independently and forgo responsibility until a much later age. My father (b.1929) waited to get married until he was 29 years old and I am exactly 30 years his junior by 6 days.  Older parents having families like their parents.  We had 4 children over 8 years in my family. 

This is Part one of a two part article.  Check back for part two: Strategies to Bridge the Gap.

 

Coach Rick Kolster is an executive coach who works with business owners and executives to help them maximize their efforts, gain life balance and learn how they can be the best leader they can be. Rick@CoachRickkolster.com

www.CoachrickKolster.com
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VALUES

I speak and converse with hundreds of people each week.  Sometimes I get these amazing questions.  Earlier this week I was asked one of those great thought provoking questions that made me take some time and reflect on it.

The question was "Is it VALUE that gives someone SUCCESS or its SUCCESS that gives someone VALUE.?"

What a great question. Now the question it self can be interpreted in a number of ways. First are we talking about value as a measured thing or are we talking about VALUES as in Core Values?

Next let's assess the word VALUE.  What is VALUE and how can we define and measure it? Are we talking dollars?  Are we talking ROI? Just what is the meaning of value?

Then how about VALUES? Should we have them? Do you have them?  Are they clear? Do you use them as guides in your day to day decisions?

I'm going take this from a values perspective since this is a large part of my practice and what I help clients with each day.

So the question now asks:  Is it a persons VALUES that gives them SUCCESS or its SUCCESS that gives someone their VALUES.?"

Simple, the only place the success comes before values is in the dictionary.  You must know what you stand for and what is important before you will truly be successful.  Now that is not to say that a person cannot make a lot, and I mean a lot of money or have the material things most would consider when they are successful.  It's easy to acquire stuff, make money, look "successful".  The true test is when you can answer the question "When you look in the mirror, do you really love that person that is looking back?"

Do you love yourself or do you just love the image you have of yourself?  Success is intoxicating, money, fame fortune is intoxicating. Just look at professional athletes, well known actors, they all seem to be successful.  All very good at what they do.  At the top of their profession, only to end up in trouble, in jail, broke or worse dead. Were they successful?  I will say NO!  They were not!

They had stuff, fame fortune, people around them kissing their A** but inside they were most likely searching for happiness.  When your values are clear, your decisions are easy. They follow what is important to you, what you stand for and you will have defined as that "line in the sand" that you will not cross.  This allows you to have the money, fame, fortune, people kissing your A** and still be grounded having solid points and boundaries that will not be crossed.

So to live a life of success, first define your values, what is important to you, what is non negotiable, then you can base all your decision on the question: "Will this action violate any of my core values?"  If not, then DO IT!

That's The BALD TRUTH

Rick Kolster, CBC is an executive coach who works with business owners and executives to help them maximize their efforts, gain life balance and learn how they can be the best leader they can be.  www.CoachRickKolster.com
www.facebook.com/coachricksBALDTRUTH